No title

I don't want you to leave, but yet here i stand miles away. I am the drifter, and you are the follower. I've always pictured it the other way around, but here i stand.

'baby i'm not alright when you go, i'm not fine. please be all mine. I never want you to go because i am all yours, so please be all mine"

I feel as if i am outside of my own body, watching over myself. I am not the same as before, because i am broken. I want this pain to end, i want these wounds to heal, i want this heart to mend. Why did i fall? Why can't i pick myself back up? Should i run, or should i stay?

Running, is not an option though. My heart is with you, and you only. Although its torn and scared, you still keep it. So i will not run, i will not take it back, and i will not show my struggle. My thoughts are all mixed up, my logic is a blur, and my reasoning is wrong. But do i run from these decisions? No, i shall not. I will never. YOU are my everything and more, and i can not run, but can only stay.

So stay with me, now, because i need you more than ever. Tell me you love me, tell me you want me, tell me you CARE. Hold me close, and listen to my heart, because it beats for you, and only you.

People

seriously suck.

I almost lost you again

At this point in my life, i don't know what to believe anymore. People claim they love you,and people claim they care, but who knows if they're lieing? Considering i've been through a lot in my life, i think i'm finally coming to the conclusion that the word "love" doesn't mean anything. I'm not sure about you, but when i say i LOVE you to someone, i fucking mean it with everything i have. But as for other people, i'm not so sure. It's a hard thing for me to say, but for others it comes so easily. I've been lied to so many times about love, and it scares me to death that it'll happen again. People can seem so caring and loving, and then one mistake ruins it all. I'm seriously in tears writing this right now, because i'm so afraid. So afraid that someone else will leave me just like all the others did, and leave me with all of these thoughts and pain. I can't deal with the pain anymore, I really can't. I have to fake a smile every single day just to satisfy the people around me. Only a few people can truly make me happy, but who knows if they'll always be there? It makes me so upset thinking about losing them, and I feel like i care about them way more than they care for me. I mean, two of them are family, so it's kind of hard for them to let go. But to be honest, family has dropped me before in the past as well, so what makes this any different? And as for one of the others, i just don't know. I love them deeply, and they claim they love me back, but as i think about it more and more everyday, do they really? I can never be certain about these things, because i don't know what's going on in their head. I know in my heart that i love them, but who knows what their heart is telling them about me. I'm just so scared i'm going to lose these people. I mean, when i said a few, i literally meant like 3, not including friends. Two of which are family, and the other is not family. I mean, yeah, my friends kind of make me happy. I know it sounds horrible to say, but it takes a lot to make me happy, and like i said before, only 3 people can get me to that point where i can forget everything that's ever happened. I love my friends, and they help a lot, but they can't make me feel like i did before all of these things happened to me. I can't even think of my childhood without having a panick attack or crying hysterically. I'm not a happy person, and now that i've been thinking more and more, i feel like the only happiness i have (those 3 people) are going to leave me. Every time something bad happens with any of them, i get sick; i get depressed; i get to a point where death is the only option. I'm not trying to sound dramatic or suicidal, but you honestly have no idea what has went on in my life. I have secrets i'll keep with me to the grave, but sometimes i just wish i could say them aloud just to release them from my mind. These thoughts and secrets have haunted me since i was little, and i can never ever tell anyone. Do you have any idea how that feels? It's horrible. That's why i need these three people, because they're the three pieces to my heart. Without them, i'd be empty. Please don't leave me; i need you.


I set them on fire back then
They didn't know what hit them
It's always the ones
You never suspect
Don't wanna accept
What I've become

It's all downhill from here.

I've fucked up for the last time. Everything in my life is spiraling downward, and all i can do is watch it happen. Sometimes i wonder if it's ever enough, but god keeps throwing more stuff at me. And what do i do? I handle it the wrong way; i freak out; i mess up. It's like i don't know what's right from wrong, or i don't think before i do. Whatever the case is, it's all downhill from here. I can feel everything closing in on me, and i can't escape it. I'm suffocating in my own thoughts and actions, and sooner or later i'm going to collapse. Why can't i just handle things correctly? Why can't i be the perfect daughter? The perfect girlfriend? The perfect friend? No. I can't be. It's never been that way for me. I fuck up everything. To other people, it looks like a simple problem. But in reality, it's so much more. I've always wondered if something happened to me as a child to make me such a complex person. Was i raised to be this way? Was i born this way? I don't understand it, and i never will. I'm too complicated. Actually, i'm so complicated that I can't even figure myself out. These thoughts that i have are way too complex to belong to a 15 year old. Maybe i'm just crazy. Yeah, thats it.

2 Months

So, it's been a little over 2 months since i've written a blog. Crazy, right? Yes. I'm aware two whole months is a long time for a girl to spill her heart out to absolutely no one, but c'mon, i do have a life. Anyway, two months. A lot has happened in two months, good and bad, and i'm here to share it with you. Well, to start, on August 24th, i finally had the guts to take a dive into the pool of love. Yes, me, taking a risk. It sounds crazy considering i've always played it safe, and never really took the time to do something for myself, but i did it. Spontaneity always spices up people's lives, doesn't it? Anyway, on the subject of love, it can benefit you one of two ways; a good outcome, or a bad one. So far, it's been more than good for me. I'm talking, head-over-heels, heart shooting up to the moon good. Ofcourse, i wouldn't just give any old person my heart if i didn't feel strongly about them, so obviously i care for this person. Well, it started out as caring, and it turned into something better; LOVE. Yes folks, i'm in love. Considering i'm young and naive, your probably sitting there doubting it with everything you have. But your not me, and you don't understand how much compassion and admiration i have towards this person. All of my past relashonships have failed, and i don't regret any of them. To be honest, all of those relashonships are NOTHING compared to this one. But if i ever lost this person, i'd regret it BIG TIME. Prior to one of my older posts, happiness is not an easy thing to find. It's right next to the holy grail and the fountain of youth on the list of things that are impossible to retrieve. But, i found it, or it found me. Whatever the case is, i have it now, and it's here to stay. I've never felt so strongly towards a person before in my life, and it's interesting to think how i always doubted it would ever happen. I don't know how it's even possible to love someone so much to the point where you want to explode when they're not around. I can never stop thinking about this person, ever, and my heart races a million times harder when i do. No one seems to understand though, how crazy in love i am. They all think i just "care". I don't blame them though, because i'm not one to show my emotions easily. But in all honesty, i dont just "care". I love, i feel, and i hold them in my heart each and every day. This person is just...amazing. I can't even describe to anyone the emotion i have towards this person. It's come down to the point where the only person who can make me happy is her. She just makes me feel so good about myself, and she loves me like no one ever has. I can't even explain it, nor will i try, because you'll never understand. I'd do anything for this person, ANYTHING, just to make her happy. This person is my absolute everything, and i can't even imagine my life without her. I mean, sure, we had some rough times, but the amazing part is that we always pull through no matter what. Most relashonships can't do that, but ours can. Everything is just so perfect now, and i've never been so happy before in my life. HAPPINESS, is a hard thing to find. And even though i gained a lot of it recently, i also lost a little. High school drama can eat you alive, and it's so unreal how much energy it takes away from you. I've come to the conclusion that friends move on, for good or worse. I'm not mentioning names, and i'm not pointing my finger at anyone, but i did indeed lose a great friend. I guess it's ok though, because i'm happier now, and so is she. So i guess things worked out for the better, and i'm glad it did. As much as it hurt, it gave me the wake-up call that i needed, and now i can make choices wisely. I'm just so glad that i'm finally happy, arent you? thanks. Ever since i fell in love, it seems like nothing can phase me anymore, and i love it. And i love her. And i love us. Life's been great, and hopefully it won't change.

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it.
Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it.
Hatred darkens life; love illumines it.

Fuck It.

Hah, just as i said in my last post, my happiness can be taken away so fucking easily. happy god? im miserable again. FUCK THE WORLD, i ain't here to stay.

Happiness

Happiness, happiness, happiness. It's never really been a big part of my life before, so for me, it's a big deal. For someone to make me this happy, they must have some serious wizard powers or something. It's a beautiful thing, knowing that your loved, and being able to smile about it every time it comes to mind. I'm not sure what it is that's making me feel this way, but it's quite amazing. Everything is going great for me lately, and it's starting to fill up that big ol' hole in my heart. Between amazing and supportive friends, family issues finally being conquered, and having someone care for you in a whole new way before, my stomach feels like a butterfly field. And the weird part of it all is that i know all of these great things can vanish so simply. Friends move on, families find new fights to start, and I've never exactly had any luck before in the love department either, so what makes this any different? Well, I'll tell you how this situation is different. It's because I'm finally just living life. No worries, no troubles. Thinking the worst will only turn these great situations to crap in an instant, and why would i want to throw this all away? I just pray to the heavens that i'm doing the right thing, and that everything will turn out perfect. I love my friends, and as much as i hate to admit it, i love my family too. And love? it'll take a while, but i know this particular person won't screw me over in the end. Life is all about taking risks, right? Well, the time has come to dive into the pool of happiness while sippin' on a margarita and enjoying the ride.

Happiness: We rarely feel it.
I would buy it, beg it, steal it,
Pay in coins of dripping blood
For this one transcendent good.

Where have you been?

Seriously, where have i been? i haven't blogged in the longest time, and i guess I've forgotten how much fun it can be. well, i suggest you hold on to your hair pieces folks, because this is going to be a bumpy ride. I definitely have WAY to much to write about, so i might not include it all in this one blog, due to the fact i'd be here for 10 days. First of all, i lost yet ANOTHER friend. lovely right? me and this girl have been friends since second grade, and even though we moved away, we kept in contact. and when i mean "kept in contact", im not talking about a mushy letter every now and then expressing how much we miss eachother. No, i'm talking about chatting it up on the phone every single night for atleast 5 hours a night. AT LEAST. "Golly gee Danielle, that sounds like a strong friendship you got there!". BULLSHIT. i thought of this girl as a sister, and all of a sudden, my sissy starts treating me like a worthless piece of shit. Not only did she invite me to her party, ignore me, and tell me to go hang out with her mother instead of her, she also bitched me out in front of her friend (and this was a totally different day from the party) and made me look like an asshole in front of some girl i didnt even know. Yeah, i forgave her for the party, and then a week later, she does it all over again. Ofcourse i still love the girl to death, and ofcourse i miss her like crazy, but is it really worth it? she'll be all nice in the beggining, and then BAM! her bitch switch gets turned on and im screwed. Now, i'm also not trying to play innocent here, because i bitched right back at her, and my words were probably more hurtful then hers. But listen, you better know who your messing with, because if you mess with me, i dont take your shit, i call you out on it. I do apologize for saying what i did, but i was heated up and angry. i believe everyone knows how i am when im angry. Anyway, that friendship is wrecked, and even though i should be really upset, im not. Even though that friendship ended, another friendship became stronger from it. As i cried that day, my best friend natalie really showed she cared. She could have just left me alone, and ignored it, but she didnt. We were in a pizzeria, and she kindly took me to the bathroom to calm me down, and then took my phone, and texted my "ex friend" for me so i wouldnt have to deal with it anymore. After that was done, she told me I didnt need that other girl, because i have her. And that right there my friends, is perfection. She really showed me she cared that day, and i feel so grateful for that. OH MY GOD, SPEAKING OF THAT! guess what else my best friend did?!?! well, lets just say some girl called me fat, and lets just say natalie took care of it for me. like, how much better of a friend can she be? I LOVE YOU NATALIE! lmaooo. other than that, there's been a whole lot of other shit going on in my life. between family drama, love, my future, and everything else thats been bottling up inside, i'm ready to explode. Thank god for my friends, because without those wonderful people, i'd have no one to talk to. I really can't stand my household anymore, because everyone in it is miserable. That's why im leaving for a week or two to waunder upstate new york. LOVELY! no mom, no dad, no stepdad, no brother. what more can i ask for? oh thats right, I GET TO SEE MY COUSIN! me and my cousin michelle are the only ones that understand this family. but besides family problems, i can open up to michelle about anything, and its going to be great to spend some quality time with her. speaking of that, i think i'm going to pack right now! well, chao for now you cool cats (: peace&love

Fuck You, Have A Nice Day.

i am so fucking fed up with all this bullshit. can't two people be friends without all this difficulty? apparently not. you have to understand that it's possible for YOU TO BE WRONG every once in a while. your not fucking jesus for gods sake. i'm sick of always being the bad guy in this friendship. and you wonder why i've found a new and MUCH better best friend and left your ass in the dust. you never realize that the things you do and say resemble a low-life, miserable, out-to-get-everyone, its-all-about-me, son of a bitch bastard. and guess what babe? YOUR FUCKING ON YOUR WAY TO BECOMING THAT POOR BASTARD. so i suggest you get your act together, clean up, and stop treating everyone else like shit. im sick of the attitude, the pathetic story's, and most of all your wonderful talent of being able to twist things around and make everything better for yourself. GET A LIFE ASSHOLE. cause i sure as hell aint staying in the one you have now.

"My, my. What tiny teeth you have!"

i remember a time where i hated my teeth. i thought that my mouth was a zoo for everyone to p0nder upon. i also remember a time when some stupid bitch refered to me as "the girl with the gross teeth.". yeah well guess what bitch? i got braces. SUCK ON THAT. yeah, it was a stressful day. i wake up at 6:45 this morning, staring at my messy floor with my heart beating out of my chest. holy fucking shit. was i really going through with this? YES, i answered myself in a way that could probably get me a sure spot in the mental institution. now, the thing that amazes me is how someone who is in love with sleeping can wake up so early for a 9:00 apointment. dumb ass. anyway, i jumped out of bed and looked at the mirror. my hair was starting to wave at the ends (despite my attempt to straighten it last night), and my makeup was slightly smudged. i restraightened it, applied more makeup, and sat on the couch like a nervous wreck waiting for someone to wake up and start a decent conversation with me so i could calm down a bit. well, i was obviously stupid to wish for a cheerful conversation in my fucked up household. my mom comes in the family room, feet dragging behind her, and that "im so tired i dont even know what's going on" look on her face. she swings around to see me on the couch staring at her. before i could even say good morning, i get the usual,"what the fuck are you doing up this early? who the hell wants to see your face at this time?". oh, not only did my anger fire in an instant, but my mouth did too. "actually mom, i was too nervous to sleep so i got up hoping for some comfort from my loving mom. but i guess i was wrong. oh, and by the way, at least i attempt to look good in the moring, unlike your ass breathed self.". i guess you know what came next. SLAP! right across the fucking face. whatever. i am honestly used to her pathetic attempts to make me even more miserable. but sadly for her, it doesnt work anymore. so, i shook it off, got dressed, and volunteered to walk my brother to his bus stop. he was more than delighted when he found out his big sister was going to be taking him. he ran out of the house with huge leaps, smiling happily as i tried desperatley to keep up. he is such a tiny little fellow, and also a very cute one with his blonde hair and big blue eyes. he can be annoying at times, but all in all i love him. anyway, after that my dad had already arrived and i proceeded up the driveway and into his car. when he finally found the damn place, my stomach was even worse than in the morning. when they called my name, i almost puked. i walked slowly in the room, everything passing me in a blurry haze, and the only thing focused was the small table attached to the chair. the chair i'd be getting braces in, the table attatched to the chair, and the sharp objects on the table were all waiting for me. fuck. im totally screwed. what the hell is that hook thing? they better not put that near my face. the dentist interrupted my thoughts when he told me to sit down. at first, i was nervous. but after he shoved those metal things into my gums, i hardly cared anymore. i sat there patiently, waiting to see the ending product. when they were done, i was handed a color palet of bands for my mouth. i picked the glow in the dark green ones. by the way, they actually glow! anyway, after that, i was handed a mirror. my biggest mistake was looking into it. my "grill" was even more jacked up than it was before. not only do i have a space, i now have a mouth full of metal. i refused to talk after that. when we left, we went to wendy's. youd think i wouldnt be able to bite into a half pound of greasy meat, but i managed. the rest of my day was spent going to the doctors, flossing, brushing, and obsessively looking in the mirror. i honestly dont look too bad; or maybe i'm just used to it.

So long, my friend...

crazy is the only word describe what's been happening to me latley. i've been getting into all sorts of trouble, acting out at home, and even worse, i lost my best friend in the whole entire world. and it's weird to say i miss him because i specifically told him im done with him. ofcourse, i didn't mean it, but he doesn't know that. i swear, i can never keep him off of my mind. everthing i see or do reminds me of what an amazing person he is and all the good times we had, and it also reminds me that i'll never be able to make more memories like that again. and worst of it all, i did not accept his apology the other night. yeah, i know, it seems stupid to obsess over someone and than ruin the one oppurtunity you have to be a part of their life again. but, i do have my reasons. i honestly dont want to get hurt again, and i really don't want to hurt him again, either. i feel that if i enter his life again, i'll just make him more unhappy. i love this boy so very much, and he was such a big part of my life, and now that im gone, i want him to live a happier life without me. all i did was cause stress, and bitch at him for stupid reasons. i realize i wasnt always the greatest friend, and i feel like shit thinking about it now. i miss him more and more every single day, and it's almost impossible for me to sleep at night. i miss his hugs, his friendly hello's, his adorable hair, our random and hysterical conversations, and most of all, him. i want him in my life, i want him as my best friend again. i need him more and more everyday. he was the person who would pick up the broken pieces of my life and put them back together, and i didnt realize it untill now that i need him more than i thought i would. when he passes me by, i try and do something to draw attention, because all i need is one tiny glance to make it through the day. one glance and i know he cares. i need this boy in my life, now more than ever. i just wish he could understand that i don't want to ruin his life again. i'll keep my distance, but i'll never forget him. im sorry for all the harm i've caused in your life. im sorry i wasn't always there, but just remember that you'll always have the other half of my heart.

Be my Valentine?

valentine's day is suppossed to be the day you share with the person you love. well, not exactly for me. i slept in rather late, waking up to the sound of my stepfather and little brother babbling on and on about what a special day it was. lame, right? anyway, i slowly crawled out of bed, tripping on my huge pile of clothes on the floor that i still haven't picked up. after i slowly got up off of the floor, i went into the bathroom to see a red eyed, make up smeared, afro-haired monster staring back at me in the mirror. great way to start off my day, isn't it? after i fixed myself up, i tried to sneak past the kitchen and into the living room to get my laptop without being noticed. mission incomplete. my stepdad just had to look into my direction that exact moment. so, as usual, he made an announcement to every living thing in the house that "the monster's alive". and i replied with the usual roll of the eyes and dirty look. but just as i thought i could escape, my little brother comes with his mouth turned up at the corners and teeth exposed. "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY DANIELLE!", he screams in my face. i mean, yeah, he's a little over six years old. but it gets annoying after a while when u have to make a big deal out of every holiday invented just to make the kid happy. he even wished me a "happy president's day" a few months ago. anyway, i smiled and patted his head. "your gifts are on the table danielle, aren't you 'gunna see what they are?". it was obvious that he was more curious than me. i told him i'd check them later. i ran into the living room before he could even reply. finally! i was free to go and check my mail at once! i LOVE the living room. no one ever comes in there, everyone else prefers the family room. i, on the other hand, think that this big, spacious room is far more better than squeezing on some small, red leather couch debating on what channel to watch. everyone always wants something different, and then we all wind up watching something stupid like a nature show. i get pissed off and leave, my brother starts to whine, my mom starts to scream, and my stepdad goes into the garage to smoke or do whatever he does in there. anyway, i checked my mail, and then decided to read. the rest of my day consisted of instant messaging, texting, eating the chocolates i got from my mom, and reading again. by the time my dad came at seven, i was itching to get out of the house. every valentine's day my dad is my date. he always buys me a sweet card, some chocolates, and an over stuffed animal. it's all really cute, but i'd like a boyfriend as a date for once. but, i guess it was okay because my dad told me he was taking me to panera, my FAVORITE place to eat. it's in-expensive, has some bitchin' soup, and all the mountain dew you can ever dream of. so, i prettied myself up, applying more make-up than usual, and than ran into the living room with a big grin on my face. note to self: nothing ever comes this easy in my life. as i glance over at my little brother, he has his coat and shoes on. i look for a sign of my mom and stepdad, but can't seem to find them anywhere. shit. i already knew what was going to come out of my dad's mouth. but, he said it anyway. "mom and rob had dinner reservations, so tommy has to tag along". my mood went from happy, to pissed the fuck off in one tiny second. "great. happy valentines day to me!", i snarked. did we leave it at that, u ask? ofcourse not. i got the usual stink eye from my brother, and than the loud, roar of my dad's voice mixed in with some curse words i wouldn't even say. hah, whatever. once we got to the damn place, we find out there's no flippin' bread bowls left. now let me tell you, when i say my dad flipped, i mean he went full out insane. the dumb bitch at the counter came up with some lame ass excuse and he gave her a mouthful. they probably spit in our food. whatever. after that, my dad saw i was aching inside due to the fact him and my lovely mother rejected my request to sleep over natalie's house. apparently my parents think that every other family are some sort serial killers or child abusers who lock their children in closets and leave them there for days. so, he let natalie come along with us to starbucks. we sat, we chat, we drank our frappachinos like we were badasses, and then we got dirty looks from two girls and their extremely hot boyfriends from across the room. well, atleast i thought they were hot. natalie on the other hand begged to differ. after that, i begged my dad to left me stay over natalies, and he budged. me and natalie spent the rest of the night watching juno and talking about our lives. i guess it was an okay day, but still, its sucked due to the "no boyfriend" issue. i'll get over it.