I almost lost you again

At this point in my life, i don't know what to believe anymore. People claim they love you,and people claim they care, but who knows if they're lieing? Considering i've been through a lot in my life, i think i'm finally coming to the conclusion that the word "love" doesn't mean anything. I'm not sure about you, but when i say i LOVE you to someone, i fucking mean it with everything i have. But as for other people, i'm not so sure. It's a hard thing for me to say, but for others it comes so easily. I've been lied to so many times about love, and it scares me to death that it'll happen again. People can seem so caring and loving, and then one mistake ruins it all. I'm seriously in tears writing this right now, because i'm so afraid. So afraid that someone else will leave me just like all the others did, and leave me with all of these thoughts and pain. I can't deal with the pain anymore, I really can't. I have to fake a smile every single day just to satisfy the people around me. Only a few people can truly make me happy, but who knows if they'll always be there? It makes me so upset thinking about losing them, and I feel like i care about them way more than they care for me. I mean, two of them are family, so it's kind of hard for them to let go. But to be honest, family has dropped me before in the past as well, so what makes this any different? And as for one of the others, i just don't know. I love them deeply, and they claim they love me back, but as i think about it more and more everyday, do they really? I can never be certain about these things, because i don't know what's going on in their head. I know in my heart that i love them, but who knows what their heart is telling them about me. I'm just so scared i'm going to lose these people. I mean, when i said a few, i literally meant like 3, not including friends. Two of which are family, and the other is not family. I mean, yeah, my friends kind of make me happy. I know it sounds horrible to say, but it takes a lot to make me happy, and like i said before, only 3 people can get me to that point where i can forget everything that's ever happened. I love my friends, and they help a lot, but they can't make me feel like i did before all of these things happened to me. I can't even think of my childhood without having a panick attack or crying hysterically. I'm not a happy person, and now that i've been thinking more and more, i feel like the only happiness i have (those 3 people) are going to leave me. Every time something bad happens with any of them, i get sick; i get depressed; i get to a point where death is the only option. I'm not trying to sound dramatic or suicidal, but you honestly have no idea what has went on in my life. I have secrets i'll keep with me to the grave, but sometimes i just wish i could say them aloud just to release them from my mind. These thoughts and secrets have haunted me since i was little, and i can never ever tell anyone. Do you have any idea how that feels? It's horrible. That's why i need these three people, because they're the three pieces to my heart. Without them, i'd be empty. Please don't leave me; i need you.


I set them on fire back then
They didn't know what hit them
It's always the ones
You never suspect
Don't wanna accept
What I've become