People don't realize

what they have until it's gone.

It seems like a lot of people are in for a reality check.

I will no longer be the girl who gets treated like shit, and takes it. I will no longer be the girl who you can lie to, without worry of disaproval. I will no longer be the girl who keeps bending, and bending, without breaking.

Why, you may ask?
Because this bending has come to a stop, and i have finally broken.

I will be there for the people who deserve it, and i will trust those few that do. I will not let my guard down, and i will not accept being treated any less than i deserve. For now on, i am going to be the girl who is strong, independent, and the girl who doesn't take anyone's shit. I've stuck around for too long, and now it's everyone elses turn to kiss ass, because i'm DONE.


'Cause I am playing god,
And i am raising hell as far as i can tell,
I am all alone, alone in this world,
Alone with you.

I really miss

how things used to be. I miss how you used to look at me. I miss how your eyes would get so big when you told me you love me. I miss sitting down and feeling your arms wrap around me from behind. I miss laying next to you and looking into your eyes. I miss all of your notes, and all of the love in your words. I miss those texts we used to send, and how hot i'd always get from them. I miss the (good) butterflies i'd get when you'd smile. I miss the sound of your laugh, and how it made me laugh, too. I miss talking about how we'd spend our lives together, and how we swore it'd last forever. I miss crying when you'd say something sweet, and then laughing about the tears that managed to escape. I miss being able to tell people your mine, and how your the best thing that's ever happened. I miss feeling your hand intertwine with mine, and how you would never let go no matter how sweaty our palms may be. I miss playing with your hair, and then looking down into your eyes afterwards. I miss pulling you in closer, and never letting go. I miss the passion i felt in our first kiss, and how i always wanted more and more after that one day. As crazy as it seems, i miss our fights, because they would always make us closer and prove that nothing would ever break us apart. I miss how you used to call me beautiful, and how you made me feel like i was worth something in this world. I miss how you were the one and only person who could ever calm me down, and the one and only person who would ever be there to wipe my tears away. I miss holding you when you'd shake, and how you'd think it was cute when i got so nervous about you. I miss all the jokes we shared together, and how we'd laugh at the littlest things together. I miss laying next to you in bed, and how you'd always rub or tickle me to make me relax. I miss hearing you call me baby, and how i was the only person you felt so strongly about. But out of all of these things, i miss you the most. You were and still are my life. I don't want you to think i'll ever give up on you, because i won't. Things might have changed, and we might be trying to figure some things out right now, but i'll be here 'till the end, and you better never forget that.

Moving foward

is something i can't seem to do. I know what i'm doing is wrong, and i know it hurts me everyday, but i can't help but continue. I feel powerless, and i feel as if i'm going through all of this just to get dissapointed in the end. I know i'll get hurt, and i know nothing good will come from this, but i can't seem to take that leap foward. I'm sick every single day, i worry constantly, and everytime something happens i feel like it's just another piece of me that's slowly being ripped away. I've been so down lately, and i won't show it to anyone. I hide it with a smile, but anyone smart enough can see the pain in my eyes. I come home to my bed everyday and just cry, because it's all i can do. I can't break away, and i know even if i tried, i'd still get hurt. As bad as it sounds, i just want to leave. I want to start a new life, somewhere where no one will know my name or what i've endured. I need to get away, i need to feel happy again, i need to be free. I want to be able to fall asleep without tears escaping, and i want to be able to wake in the morning without having to run to the bathroom and throw up. My stomach is constantly in a knot, and my anxiety attacks just keep coming in greater numbers. And all of this pain is only because of one situation. Everything else is just adding to it, and making me feel worse. I can't talk to anyone about this either, because they all say the same thing. The problem is, i'm not strong enough to follow their word. So i'll swallow my pride, and continue to get treated like i'm worthless, because i'm at the point where i'm starting to believe i am. No one will ever understand the hurt i'm feeling, and i'd never be able to describe it. I feel unloved, and it's the worst feeling in the world.

tonight i've fallen, and i can't get up.

I Wish

running away was an option. There's so much shit going on that i just need to run away. Far, far away where no one can find me. Yeah, that'd be nice...

Dedication takes a life-time...

But dreams only last for a night.

So let these dreams take me away to a place; A place where your words have meaning, and where your heart is true. Let me dream of what could have been, and what will never be...

So let these dreams take me away to a place; A place where i no longer hear your words, and where i no longer feel your heart. Let me dream of reality, and what it's about to withold.

Life

has been okay for me lately. I'm not exactly the happiest person in the world, but i'm better than before. One thing i'm certain about myself is that my thoughts always get in the way of my happiness. I'm always worrying, always concerned, always getting sick over situations and people that i later realize aren't worth my time. I just feel like everyone is going to let me down one way or another, even if they say they won't. I've built a thick, tall wall between me and everyone else. I know it's wrong, but the more i share with people, the more they let me down in the end. No one seems to notice or appreciate it, but i try my hardest to make people happy and make things work; even if it means getting walked all over. To be honest, the only person that hasn't let me down is michelle. She's seriously become one of the most important people in my life. It hurts me that i'm not exactly ready to share another part of my life with her, but i know she understands that i have to tell her on my own terms, and i know that she respects my decisions. She's the only one i truely trust anymore, because not only are we blood, but we're best friends. Without her...i really don't know what i'd do. Sometimes i cry, to be honest, when i think about her leaving, because i know if she ever did i'd be a mess. Whether she realizes it or not, she's the only thing keeping me together.



Other than that, i try and stay true to everyone else that's important to me. No matter what happens, i always just block it off from my mind and move on. I try really hard to forget about everything that's happened with certain people, and it seems to work. Once i love someone as a friend (or more than a friend) it's close to impossible to be mad at them. If i love you, and it's true, then i'll stick by you through the end. But as for others, once you hit a certain point, your fucking out of my life for good. I made a promise to myself that this year i'm not taking shit from anyone anymore, and i plan on staying true to that. I really need to stop letting people get in the way of having a happy life, and focus more on getting all these negative thoughts out of my head. I just want friends that'll stay true, someone to love me as hard as i love them, and someone to be there for me no matter what. So far, i think i have those three things in my life, but you never know what can happen. I just thank god everyday for the people i DO have in my life, because i am more than greatful.



Aside from all of this, nothing really interesting has been going on in my life. I've just been trying to relax and go with the flow lately, and it's helping. Listening to music really calms me down, and it lets some of those tears out that have been hiding there for a while. For some reason, i've been listening to older music lately. Is that weird, because some people find it odd? I'm not sure, but it's whatever, because i like it. Oh, and my grandmother is in the hospital again. I think she'll be ok, because she's such a strong person. I'm not that worried about it anymore, because when i saw her she seemed content. She'll still be in my prayers though, as well as everyone else.



Oh, and i almost forgot, Happy New Year(:

'cause the hardest part of this, is losing you...