It's all downhill from here.

I've fucked up for the last time. Everything in my life is spiraling downward, and all i can do is watch it happen. Sometimes i wonder if it's ever enough, but god keeps throwing more stuff at me. And what do i do? I handle it the wrong way; i freak out; i mess up. It's like i don't know what's right from wrong, or i don't think before i do. Whatever the case is, it's all downhill from here. I can feel everything closing in on me, and i can't escape it. I'm suffocating in my own thoughts and actions, and sooner or later i'm going to collapse. Why can't i just handle things correctly? Why can't i be the perfect daughter? The perfect girlfriend? The perfect friend? No. I can't be. It's never been that way for me. I fuck up everything. To other people, it looks like a simple problem. But in reality, it's so much more. I've always wondered if something happened to me as a child to make me such a complex person. Was i raised to be this way? Was i born this way? I don't understand it, and i never will. I'm too complicated. Actually, i'm so complicated that I can't even figure myself out. These thoughts that i have are way too complex to belong to a 15 year old. Maybe i'm just crazy. Yeah, thats it.

2 Months

So, it's been a little over 2 months since i've written a blog. Crazy, right? Yes. I'm aware two whole months is a long time for a girl to spill her heart out to absolutely no one, but c'mon, i do have a life. Anyway, two months. A lot has happened in two months, good and bad, and i'm here to share it with you. Well, to start, on August 24th, i finally had the guts to take a dive into the pool of love. Yes, me, taking a risk. It sounds crazy considering i've always played it safe, and never really took the time to do something for myself, but i did it. Spontaneity always spices up people's lives, doesn't it? Anyway, on the subject of love, it can benefit you one of two ways; a good outcome, or a bad one. So far, it's been more than good for me. I'm talking, head-over-heels, heart shooting up to the moon good. Ofcourse, i wouldn't just give any old person my heart if i didn't feel strongly about them, so obviously i care for this person. Well, it started out as caring, and it turned into something better; LOVE. Yes folks, i'm in love. Considering i'm young and naive, your probably sitting there doubting it with everything you have. But your not me, and you don't understand how much compassion and admiration i have towards this person. All of my past relashonships have failed, and i don't regret any of them. To be honest, all of those relashonships are NOTHING compared to this one. But if i ever lost this person, i'd regret it BIG TIME. Prior to one of my older posts, happiness is not an easy thing to find. It's right next to the holy grail and the fountain of youth on the list of things that are impossible to retrieve. But, i found it, or it found me. Whatever the case is, i have it now, and it's here to stay. I've never felt so strongly towards a person before in my life, and it's interesting to think how i always doubted it would ever happen. I don't know how it's even possible to love someone so much to the point where you want to explode when they're not around. I can never stop thinking about this person, ever, and my heart races a million times harder when i do. No one seems to understand though, how crazy in love i am. They all think i just "care". I don't blame them though, because i'm not one to show my emotions easily. But in all honesty, i dont just "care". I love, i feel, and i hold them in my heart each and every day. This person is just...amazing. I can't even describe to anyone the emotion i have towards this person. It's come down to the point where the only person who can make me happy is her. She just makes me feel so good about myself, and she loves me like no one ever has. I can't even explain it, nor will i try, because you'll never understand. I'd do anything for this person, ANYTHING, just to make her happy. This person is my absolute everything, and i can't even imagine my life without her. I mean, sure, we had some rough times, but the amazing part is that we always pull through no matter what. Most relashonships can't do that, but ours can. Everything is just so perfect now, and i've never been so happy before in my life. HAPPINESS, is a hard thing to find. And even though i gained a lot of it recently, i also lost a little. High school drama can eat you alive, and it's so unreal how much energy it takes away from you. I've come to the conclusion that friends move on, for good or worse. I'm not mentioning names, and i'm not pointing my finger at anyone, but i did indeed lose a great friend. I guess it's ok though, because i'm happier now, and so is she. So i guess things worked out for the better, and i'm glad it did. As much as it hurt, it gave me the wake-up call that i needed, and now i can make choices wisely. I'm just so glad that i'm finally happy, arent you? thanks. Ever since i fell in love, it seems like nothing can phase me anymore, and i love it. And i love her. And i love us. Life's been great, and hopefully it won't change.

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it.
Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it.
Hatred darkens life; love illumines it.